Howdie and here we are at blog #51. You know, dear reader, I've been having something of a tough week. Emotionally speaking now. Fed up with this, frustrated with that, fumbling around and fuming about something else. All those Ffffeelings, huh? Yes. I'm a believer in feelings. They exist. They affect us. Some of us more than others, I suspect. Because there are those people who seem to skate through life without nary the hiccup of experiencing a painful or pointy emotional state. They're like Teflon, and feelings are like oil - they slide right off. But not me. No. My feelings are generally my friends. But some days they are a kryptonite to my superman. This was one of those weeks.
Feelings Convention. So yesterday being Thursday seemed like a good day for my feelings to all converge. They had a Bad Feelings Convention. Right here in my body. Did they ask me? Nosiree, they did not! They just all congregated and then jumped up and down and made a big racket until I had to get in the car and screech out of the driveway. Which I did. Fortunately no small children, dogs or metal trikes were behind me because I suspect we would have had a wee accident if they had been.
Just looking. I took myself off to one of my favourite places to meander (read: shop, way back when I was in shopping mode), Noosa Junction. It has a collection of stores I love to look in, including a great fabric store (Oh Sew), a bead store (Shi Sha), a shoe store (Shoex), a homewares store (Casa Noosa) and a few other places I can never remember the names of. I wandered here, poked my head in there, shilly-shallied in a few other places. It was actually a very nice time, despite the motivation that had gotten me there.
I don't really want to...No, really. But here's what's fascinating. I was looking in a few stores, and discovering stuff that I found quite attractive. And I wasn't really wanting to buy it. I was happy just looking at it, and appreciating it. Sure, I had a couple of well, not so much "close calls" but moments that in a previous life, might have had me reaching for my wallet (oh, those turquoise All Stars on sale - down from $89.99 to $59.99 - one size left - mine! And that orange wrap dress thingo -- also on sale. Silk animal print fabric - gorgeous!). It wasn't a wrench to not buy them. For probably the first time since I've been on this challenge, I actually felt good, walking away from these items.
Good huh? This felt like real emotional progress. That even in my charged emotional state, when shopping would have been a salve, a balm, a distraction - used to 'help' get me through an emotionally tough time, I could stay on the challenge. And not just "not fall off the wagon", but actually feel I had some feelings of mastery about not buying. It wasn't a challenge in the "oh this is going to h-u-r-t" sense. But a sense of accomplishment. Dare I say it, a sense of deep caring for myself. That there was - is - a bigger thing in play here, and sticking on the challenge during that difficult time, was going to grow me somehow. Gosh, I've gone all California, haven't I? Someone, hand me a plate of mashed alfalfa sprouts and start singing Kumbaya, will you? So, feeling pretty good, in the midst of feeling pretty bad. Guess that makes me about even. Right?